I’m back from Virginia, it’s quite a drive back up to Jersey. Especially one to make twice in 2 days. On my way back I noticed that Burger King has some sort of “pick your level of awakeness” coffee thing going on. I can not say if this is new or not, as I usually make my own coffee, or if I have to stop, I prefer McDonald’s coffee. The official logo for this looks like the following:
I have personally come up with a better advertising scheme, as well as improved pictures and descriptions. Turbo is ok, but regular and decaf are boring words, and in this new age of pushing boundaries, and overhyping everything, Burger King needs to move into the 21st century. First, I present to you “Excited Crazy Lady with Hair Rollers” strength coffee.
Excited Crazy Lady with Hair Rollers
With the new space age advances in coffee, I can (as a ‘official’ representative of Burger King) promise you that our newest strength of coffee with curl your hair, without the need for hair rollers, without affecting the quality of awakeness. Trust me, it’s science. In the interest of not losing the attention of those who have not yet left to partake in our patented ECLHR (pronounced eclair) coffee, we move swiftly on to our next level of awake-osity…. “Tommy Lee Jones Intent but Obviously not Excited”
Tommy Lee Jones Intent but Obviously not Excited
TLJAOE – pronounceable as Till-Joe, meaning “It will keep you awake till your next cup of Burger King brand Joe” or “Awake till that episode of G.I. Joe finishes.” We’re not sure, the jury is still out on that one. What we can promise you is it will keep you reasonably awake without affecting your hair-curling statue, movie career, or marriage. (Disclaimer, this statement has not been reviewed by the International Coffee and Marriage board). Finally, I am pleased to be able to bring you the coffee with the lowest intensity. Renamed from “decaf” because if there’s two things major corporations hate, it’s literary contractions and apt phrases.
This depiction is the one we are most proud of. Picked for it’s likeness to the original decaf pictoral representation, this is only the first layer of connection. Similar to a pokeball, which serves as a home to small, possibly drug induced animals. Likewise, our new decaffinated coffee serves as a home to all the coffee grinds who just couldn’t make it at coffee boot-camp. Also, whoever came up with decaf coffee was probably also on drugs, what’s the point of coffee with no caffeine???
DISCLAIMER (to be read as fast as possibly by some guy with an authoritative sounding voice: Your Comic Relief is not associated nor endorced by the following entities/enterprises/animals/vegetables/minerals: coffee, Burger King, sloths, boot camps, the International Board of Coffee and Marriage, Tommy Lee Jones, pokemon or the drugs that inspired their creation. Seriously, that’s the only way they could be rationalized.